A railroad crossing can be a dangerous place if one does not pay attention to the warning signs. Red flashing lights indicate an oncoming train. Neglecting such warnings can end in disaster.
There are warning signs that need to be considered when a couple is heading for the altar. Should you marry this person or not? Are you having reoccurring doubts about this relationship? Some doubts may be a matter of simply doing your due diligence before making such a serious commitment. This is commendable. However, some reoccurring doubts may be compared to the warnings of a railroad crossing, flashing at you to halt your progress. How can you tell the difference?
This instrument is used to gauge the Spiritual Health Of a Relationship (SHOR). Aimed at assessing a couple’s ability to reign together with Christ, it is a character diagnostic tool for engaged couples to determine whether they should continue with the marriage or apply the brakes to their relationship. For many couples, this tool will affirm that they are on the right track and send them on their way with joy and confidence.
Download a PDF of the survey here.
I have developed a list of 12 indicators that should be considered in determining the spiritual health of a relationship. The questions are not so much aimed at a person individually, though they certainly apply individually, but are directed at the relationship. What is the character of the relationship? What is the quality of your interactions as a couple? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you advance each other in godliness or worldliness? Does your union radiate the glory of God to a lost world?
Rank every characteristic on a scale from 1 to 6 by circling one of the numbers provided after each question.
1 = strong denial
2 = substantial denial
3 = weak denial
4 = weak affirmation
5 = substantial affirmation
6 = strong affirmation
The full survey is to be taken individually and privately. Below are the first three questions on the survey, as a sampling. Each person is to initially write their answers on a separate sheet of paper. Neither party should discuss their answers with the other before or while taking the survey. Once both parties have completed it, schedule a meeting with your spouse, or prospective spouse, that allows enough time to adequately discuss your answers. Indicate each person’s answer on the survey by circling the number and writing your initial above it. For instance, if a husband chose the number #2 and the wife chose #4 for the same item then both numbers should be circled, the initial of the husband should appear above #2 and the wife’s above #4.
Christ-exaltation
Does your relationship exalt Christ? Does your relationship promote love for the God of the Bible, a love for His church, and a love for His morality? These are the most basic indicators of genuine faith (1 John 3:9, 4:1-2, 4:16). Where these are lacking, faith is lacking and may indicate an unequal yoking that should be avoided in dating (2 Corinthians 6:14). To reign together with Christ, the relationship must have a spirit of building up one another’s faith, not compromising it. Is the following equation viable: You + Your Spouse + Jesus Christ? If Christ is not Lord of you, your spouse, and your marriage, then it cannot be. If your union rivals His lordship, then it is good not to marry. If you are already married to an unbeliever, then exalt Christ by doing the work of an evangelist and honoring your wedding vows. However, if Christ is Lord, growing in His likeness is the trajectory and you can be sure that He has great things in store for a “cord of three strands” marriage (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
Are you a Christ-exalting couple? ① ② ③ ④ ⑤ ⑥
Patience
Love waits for people (1 Corinthians 13:4). Patience is the virtue that waits for the right time and place for things. It isn’t quick to assert itself but waits for the other person.
Ability to wait sexually. Crossing physical boundaries is an ominous warning sign. It indicates self-love rather than spousal love. It reduces someone to a vehicle to be used rather than a person to be loved. Not only do pre-marital sexual encounters dethrone Christ, but they will also inevitably undermine confidence in one’s spouse after the marriage. A boundary-crosser is someone who prioritizes self and is willing to compromise virtue under certain conditions, whether before or after marriage. However, demonstrating appropriate restraint exalts Christ, expresses love, and increases confidence in each other’s fidelity after marriage. Does your relationship help each other in this regard?
Ability to wait for a person to grow up. Anyone you marry is going to have shortcomings. Such may include struggles with sin, character flaws, or personal weaknesses that will get better with growth in Christlikeness. In addition to these, you may discover your spouse has some annoying quirks, habits, or idiosyncrasies that drive you nuts. Love endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:7), indicating that it does not routinely manifest a critical spirit, a condemning tone, or judgmental attitude toward such peculiarities, but has the capacity to look beyond them out of love.
Ability to defer gratification. Impatient people are in a hurry to get somewhere, accomplish something, or be someone. They have little ability to wait, often taking the shortest path to get there, even if it isn’t best in the long term. A patient relationship is able to make long term sacrifices necessary for the most God-glorifying outcome. Christ was very patient with His people. He was patient with their inabilities, dullness, and even worldliness. He resisted Satan’s offer of all the kingdoms of the world because He was able to defer gratification. Is your relationship marked by and growing in the grace of Christlike patience?
Are you a patient couple? ① ② ③ ④ ⑤ ⑥
Self-control
People who have little ability to control themselves are primarily interested in themselves. Even though this quality applies to a broad category of impulses such as food, drink, digital screens, and other fleshly desires, a good way to gauge a person’s lack of self-control is in the area of sinful anger. An angry person is easily provoked to wrath when things do not go their way. Scripture is clear that relationships characterized by anger are to be avoided. Those united to angry people become like them (Proverbs 22:24-25). Angry people give the devil opportunity (Ephesians 4:26-27); they do not foster the righteousness of God in others (James 1:20). To the unmarried, relationships characterized by hot and hasty brains should be avoided altogether or, at a minimum, paused until significant growth in godliness is observed in this area. If you are already married in a relationship characterized by anger, then this is an area of top concern.
Are you a self-controlled couple? ① ② ③ ④ ⑤ ⑥
There are nine more categories in the SHOR Survey that are critical for a Christian couple in assessing the health of their relationship. Once you have taken the survey, you should consider your results individually and as a couple, looking for areas of harmony or discord in your relationship. This diagnostic tool provides biblical insight and helpful ideas to accomplish such a goal. Remember, warning signs are given so that one can assess one’s trajectory. Are you as a couple on a collision course with Christ and each other or on a trajectory to greater oneness in Christ?
For a complete engagement course, including the full SHOR survey, 8 lessons, meeting agendas, and homework assignments, see Reigning Together: A Christ-Exalting Marriage, available on Amazon.