Most brides enjoy being engaged—those in-love butterflies, the sparkly ring, the dreaming and planning with your fiancé, dress shopping, showers and parties. As we counsel engaged couples, it’s fun to watch two people in love, barely containing their excitement for the big day. But that first year of marriage, while wonderful, can also bring a rude awakening that living together every day and tackling life’s challenges as a team can be hard. As the years flip by, little missteps can start carving deep grooves of bad habits, painful offenses, and even crippling bitterness into a marriage. Whether you are just engaged, or have been married many decades, know that you have an incredible influence on the health of your marriage. I have developed eight action items that I wish someone had handed me before I walked down that aisle in 1994. These have been developed not only through my own marriage, but through countless hours in the counseling room with engaged and married couples. Most of these items are things I have failed to do in my own marriage at one time or another. All of them are things I am trying to do now.
As a mom to four daughters, we have taken in our share of “happily ever after” books and movies. Most storylines revolve around the heroine, who is usually a princess or soon to be one. Her troubled situation is the focus of the story and the hero is simply the deliverer of her eventual happiness. He is the earth that orbits around her, the sun. He is nothing but a handsome and brave means to an end. However, that is not our wise God’s created order. God created man first and then created woman to be a helper for him. As Christian women, we long for our own “happily ever after,” loving and intimate marriages, children who love the Lord, and a family life filled with fruitful ministry. But where in the Bible is the pathway to this life we so desire?
Ephesians 5:22-33 is a great place to start. While most of this passage focuses on how a husband should love his wife, there are important truths here for us wives. Verses 22-24 clearly establish God’s created order in a marriage; wives are to come under the leadership of their husbands. Just as we see in the beauty of a ballroom dance, the husband leads and the wife is to follow. The phrase be subject to literally means to “arrange her life under” her husband as head. Related to this, at the end of verse 33, we find another key truth, “… the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” These truths have practical implications for our daily interactions with our husbands.
HE MATTERS
I organize these principles using the acronym HE MATTERS. These are practical things we can do to respect our husbands and let them lead us in the graceful dance of biblical marriage: Help him, Embrace who he is, Meet his needs, Apologize, Trust your husband through Trusting God, Express praise, Recharge your batteries, and Show gratitude. Let’s look at the first three:
H – Help him. He was not created to be your helper; it is God’s will for you to be his helper (Genesis 2:18). He needs you, whether he expresses this reality nor not. Once you understand these eight action items, look for practical ways to live out this God-ordained role for your life. You have a unique husband with specific needs. Only you can discern what those needs are. As you study your husband, keep a running list of practical ideas you can implement to demonstrate that you take your role of helper seriously.
E – Embrace who he is. What kind of man are you married to? Do you understand him? Have you studied him? Is he a take-charge guy? Is he a creative type? Maybe he is an absent-minded professor, a resourceful handyman, a quiet CPA, a bold two-star general, or brilliant tech entrepreneur. What is his dream job? What hurdles does he still have to clear to reach his professional goals? Does he need more training? Does he have plans that include full-time ministry or the mission field? The wise woman will seek to understand her husband and create a life that supports him. Does he struggle with self-confidence? Be his biggest cheerleader. Is he disorganized? Be his administrative right-hand woman. Is he high-strung? Be the soothing balm in his life. Have you truly embraced who he is and what he needs?
My husband, a pastor, is a very driven man. He is a strong leader with big goals. Once I understand what he is like, where he wants to go and how he wants to get there, I can assess how I can come alongside him as his helper. As a young grad student, engineer, business owner, and aspiring pastor, he needed a capable wife who could hold down the fort at home. On our 20th anniversary, we were able to look in the rearview mirror and see the raising of six children, an engineering career, our own company, 17 years of graduate school, and a wonderful little church we had the privilege of shepherding. It was a wild, fun ride and I’m thankful for every sweet year, but we could not have done it if we had not worked together as a team. I chose to embrace who he is, and I conformed my life to fit him. God desires to use couples who are pulling together for His kingdom.
Take some time to study your husband. Think about his profession, his life goals, and his strengths and weaknesses. Write down some practical ideas for how you can embrace his career, his dreams, his goals, and his personality by being a perfect fit for him.
Sometimes we wives lose sight of our roles and work against our husbands. Not only have I stumbled in this area, but over the years, I have witnessed other wives reject their calling as helpmate, with tragic results. There is a type of woman who takes advantage of her husband’s gentle and accommodating nature by asserting her own way. She becomes an obstacle in her husband’s career path and unwittingly blocks him from promotions with her controlling habits. A wife married to such a man should be looking for ways to boost her husband’s confidence as a budding leader. Then there is the woman who, married to a bold go-getter, crumples under the pressure of a high-octane life. There are endless ways that wives weaken and undermine their husbands’ leadership, both professionally and personally. Typically, wives don’t set out to be a drag on their husbands, it’s just the way things turn out when they aren’t carefully embracing their role as helper.
Once you’ve studied your husband and who he needs you to be, ask yourself, “What are some ways I may be hindering my husband’s calling and stifling my marriage? Identifying these hinderances will help you to consciously avoid them. God has designed your husband well and has called him to a special work. Embrace him and embrace this partnership that God has brought together.
M – Meet his needs. A healthy marriage involves a husband and wife connecting on many levels on a regular basis. This includes connecting emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically. Some of these connections come easily for wives, but some seasons of life pose challenges in meeting physical, or sexual, needs. Be that as it may, every wife is called by God to meet her husband’s sexual needs, and likewise, the husband must meet the wife’s sexual needs, “… so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5). Interestingly, the exhortation is given to both wives and husbands; Paul is not singling out women here. Nevertheless, this command leaves many tired moms searching for a loophole. However, you can rise to the occasion through realigning priorities and having a plan.
In terms of human relationships, your husband is your top priority; your children take a back seat to him. How that looks practically depends on your own family’s situation, but the Lord will always enable you to carry out His plainly stated will. Trust the wisdom of God on this issue and watch Him show Himself faithful. If you have trouble accepting the truth of this passage, or you believe you are unable to carry it out, discuss this with your mentor. Second, plan your routine so that each day includes a focused time to nurture your husband. That may mean that you leave dishes in the sink or laundry unfolded, but if you are pleasing the Lord by prioritizing your husband, you are choosing well.
The other five ways to love your husband well are outlined in Chapter 6 of our book, Reigning Together: A Christ-Exalting Marriage. Regardless of how much or how little you believe your husband is investing in your marriage, if you incorporate these eight actions into your life and routine, you alone can move the needle dramatically toward a relationship that pleases the Lord, heals over those deep, painful grooves, and restores joy and intimacy to your union. When you consistently convey to your husband how much HE MATTERS, you are on your way to sharing a beautiful dance with your beloved.
Reigning Together: A Christ-Exalting Marriage is available on Amazon.
