God hates divorce-mindedness. There is a way to work through conflicts that promotes reconciliation and there is a way to handle conflicts that leads to divorce. Do not take baby steps, ever, that lead to divorce. The following rules are basic biblical principles that remind us to work through conflicts in a healthy manner. Early in your marriage you start establishing habits and patterns, good or bad. Consider these boundaries of conduct as a couple. Help each other to interact within this framework to nurture and cherish one another.
Rule #1 – Cherish Your Spouse by Not Acting Unbecomingly
Love does not act unbecomingly (1 Corinthians 13:5). Acting unbecomingly involves behavior that is disgraceful, indecent, or dishonoring. It speaks of words or actions that degrade the other person. Do not interrupt. Listen to your spouse’s whole side of the conflict. Do not filibuster. Do not get physical. Do not resort to name calling, profanity, sarcasm, or threats. Do not punish your spouse by going to the opposite extreme. Consider this example of going to the opposite extreme:
Case Study – You Know What? Fine! I Quit!
Daphne and Tobias loaded up their children for a much-anticipated weekend trip to the lake. As they were packing luggage and gear, the couple began to mildly argue over loading preferences. Unfortunately, Tobias had a hot temper and it didn’t take much to set him off. He yelled, “OK, fine! You know what? You all just go without me. My luggage won’t be in your way. Now pack the car YOUR WAY! I’m staying home!” As Tobias stomped inside with his bags, the children wept quietly in their car seats. Daphne ran after him, frantically apologizing, but to no avail. The special weekend was ruined needlessly, when just a little patience and accommodation on Tobias’s part could have saved the day.
Rule #2 – Cherish Your Spouse by Not Bearing False Witness
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor (Exodus 20:16). Do not lie. Do not exaggerate the problem. Avoid using words like “always” and “never.” Falsehood deceives your spouse, erodes trust, introduces more layers of complication, escalates the conflict, and circumnavigates biblical solutions.
Rule #3 – Cherish Your Spouse by Not Letting the Sun Go Down on Your Anger
Ephesians 4:26-27 warns against giving the devil an opportunity to destroy a relationship by means of anger. He seizes those quiet moments during and after a conflict to whisper slanderous accusations, suggest worst-case scenarios, cause a person to stew in resentment, and rehearse retaliatory strategies that will result in growing bitterness. For this reason, work through conflicts as quickly as possible. Do not run away. Stay and work it out or agree to take a break and revisit later. Do not sleep in separate rooms or “freeze out” your spouse. Commit to resolve conflicts in a timely manner; within a day or two. Nancy and I decided early on that we would not sleep in separate beds during a conflict or a time of strain, believing that it was taking baby steps away from marital oneness. We have never strayed from that commitment.
Rule #4 – Cherish Each Other by Bearing with One Another in Love
Love … bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:7). Stay calm. Stay on topic. Do not bring in other conflicts. Keep short accounts. Don’t hold grudges. Assume the best in one another. Apologize. Forgive. Accept an apology offered. Don’t bring up old violations or issue guilt trips. Husbands, listen to the cautions of your wife.
Rule #5 – Cherish Your Spouse by Remembering Your Humble State
Love does not brag and is not arrogant (1 Corinthians 13:4). Keep things in perspective. Ask yourself some questions. In the light of eternity, is this a mountain or a molehill? Do you have to win this conflict? Is this a hill worth dying on? Take responsibility for contributing to the conflict. Do not blame your spouse.
Most of us have seen interpersonal conflicts handled poorly in our families of origin and unconsciously adopt their bad habits as adults. Sinful patterns can cycle through generations if not addressed. Identify principles that each of you has a tendency to violate during times of conflict. Discuss as a couple how to foster change in these areas, establishing new and godly habits. Be sure both of you are examining yourselves and humbly confessing areas of weakness and sin.
For more on how to love and cherish your spouse, see Reigning Together: A Christ-Exalting Marriage, available on Amazon.
