Love like Christ Loves
The whole duty of a husband to his wife can be boiled down to this one command: Love! Love your wife as Christ loved the church! This command is far-reaching and profound. It calls for men to love to the highest degree, for the honor of the highest King, regardless of the unworthiness of the person, in order to be a living exposition of the greatest virtue and image the true God. Even though the depths of this command are unfathomable, I want to make several observations about what this kind of love involves. I will simply use the command LOVE as an acronym.
L – Lead. Love by leading. Love involves leading in the best way. This implies that husbands are to know which way in life is best. They are to lead their families in the way that God blesses. To fail to lead is to fail to love. This means that a husband must first be a disciple of Christ and give himself to truly following the Master. He must know the way before he can navigate others. A wife needs to see her husband taking the initiative to know Christ better, to embrace His ways, and to make real efforts to lead others in His way. This is what spiritual leadership is about.
Chivalry still matters. It is a daily reminder in the physical realm of what men are to be doing in the spiritual realm. Lead! Be the first to open the door, the first to pick up the dinner bill, and the first to carry the load. Be the first to embrace Christlikeness. The first and foremost realm in which God wants men to lead is in the way of godliness. Regardless of whether or not the wife is following, love involves leading. The husband should take the lead in humility, confession, repentance, asking for forgiveness, holiness, purity, benevolence, and sacrifice. Let your love be expressed by sacrificially leading in the way that God blesses.
O – Overlook offenses. Love by being quick to let offenses go (Proverbs 19:11). The best leader is the best forgiver. When we hold onto offenses, we become embittered against the one who offends us. A husband who is quick to be offended or recall past offenses is not progressing in the way of love, but is leading his family in the ways of bitterness, unforgiveness, and relational dysfunction. But the one who is quick to forgive provides the conditions for his family to enjoy the best of human experiences.
V – Value your wife. While some have dubbed a wife “a ball and chain,” God has a different view. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” Love by treasuring your wife. A wife isn’t just a responsibility to be dutifully carried out but a gift of God’s goodness to be enjoyed.
Value your wife for who she is. Treasure your wife’s company, presence, thoughts, giftings, and tastes. You can even celebrate your differences. For example, my wife is a night person, and I am a morning person. This means that we both have our much-needed quiet times, and I do not have to wait up for the kids. Treasure the uniqueness of your wife.
Value your wife for what she signifies. She is God’s gift and an expression of His favor. As I reflect upon the years that I have been married to Nancy, I see the blessings of Psalm 128 upon a completely undeserving man. My wife is like a fruitful vine within my house, the children God has given through her are like olive plants around my table, and I have lived to see my children’s children. These are expressions of God’s favor, “Behold, for thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord” (Psalm 128:4). A wife is more than a companion; she a living, breathing, tangible, and profound testament of God’s favor.
E – Engage your wife. Peter told husbands to “Live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7). His exhortation has two main elements to consider. The first is the command to “Live with!” or more literally, “Be living with!” Scripture does a good job of stating the obvious. Husbands are expected to live with their wives. The command involves the matter of proximity. Physical proximity is certainly in view, but mental, emotional, and spiritual proximity are also in view. In other words, be engaged in the total marriage relationship. Be her companion.
We men have a habit of checking out. We like to withdraw to our little worlds and get caught up in our own interests. For many men, it is easier to check out than to engage. We can be miles away even though we are physically present. This command stands as a beacon call to husbands. Husbands, do not get infatuated with your friends, other women, video games, your career, all-consuming hobbies, or anything else that would isolate you from meaningful engagement with your wife. Married life is about voluntarily yielding your desires so that you can engage in her life. Investing in your marriage relationship will bring a God-designed satisfaction that distractions will not provide. Solomon is the teacher of this lesson (Ecclesiastes 9:9).
The second element to Peter’s exhortation is understanding. Literally, live with her according to knowledge (gnosis). Years ago, I was sent to open and run an office in Southern California for an engineering firm. The venture was a success and in a very short time I had a large staff and lots of personnel conflicts that I had to mediate. My lack of competence in dealing with the contentions between female coworkers was so obvious that an elderly lady in the company came into my office to give me a crash course in understanding women. She said several things that I never forgot. First, “Women do not want you to fix them. They want you to understand them.” Second, “When a woman comes to you with a problem, don’t interrupt her and don’t try to fix her problem. Hear her out.” Third, “Sometimes, a woman just wants to get something off her chest. Just listening to her will make her feel a lot better.” Fourth, “Seek to understand a woman before you say anything.” Her advice was very helpful, and not just for the women but also the men.
I think Peter is saying something similar. Get to know and understand your wife. The kind of knowledge that Peter is talking about comes from personal insight and leads to consideration and care for her well-being. It involves a wide scope of knowledge, including that which would be beneficial to your marriage. This would include knowledge of the Bible and what it says about God’s purposes for marriage. It would also include knowledge of your wife: Knowledge of your wife’s strengths, weaknesses, goals, desires, aspirations, hopes, likes, dislikes, frustrations, fears, peculiarities, and quirks.
This knowledge can only be obtained through times of regular, uninterrupted, unhurried study of God’s Word and regular, uninterrupted, unhurried times of private fellowship with your wife. Date nights, long walks, and times away can be investments in eternity. The command to understand your wife is a call to study. Any degree worth anything does not happen without diligent study. Your marriage is worth the study. The reason there are many poor marriages today is because there are many husbands who do not understand their wives. They do not understand them because they do not study them.
For more on loving your spouse, see Reigning Together: A Christ-Exalting Marriage, Chapter 6 and Appendix 6, available at Amazon.
