In This Series:
Jesus’ Warning Against Divorce-Mindedness Part 2
Jesus’ Warning Against Divorce-Mindedness Part 3
The decision to marry is the decision to pursue oneness rather than twoness.
What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. (Mark. 10:9)
Years ago, Nancy and I attended the wedding of one of my colleagues. Neither the bride nor the groom was Christian, so we were expecting a non-traditional ceremony. We drove and then hiked to a remote beach location in San Diego. The woman officiating the wedding looked like a mix of a Californian surfer girl and Eastern guru. Her sermon—if it could be called such—was very poetic, steeped in New Age thought, and strongly exhorted the couple to never become “one.” She read excerpts from Gilbran’s popular wedding poem:
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
The point of her message was clear. The biblical notion of oneness is taboo. However, even after the fall, God’s original designs for marriage are still the standard. Jesus made this vividly clear in Mark 10.
Getting up, He went from there to the region of Judea and beyond the Jordan; crowds gathered around Him again, and, according to His custom, He once more began to teach them. 2 Some Pharisees came up to Jesus, testing Him, and began to question Him whether it was lawful for a man to divorce a wife. 3 And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?” 4 They said, “Moses permitted a man TO WRITE A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY.” 5 But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But from the beginning of creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE. 7 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, 8 AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Mark 10:1-9)
Shortly after announcing His rejection and crucifixion in 9:31, Jesus left for Judea (10:1) and ultimately Jerusalem, where He would be crucified. Interestingly, the section that culminates in Christ’s crucifixion begins with a challenge to His view of marriage. Jesus clarified for all time God’s intention for marriage. One of the clearest statements of the biblical definition of marriage is given in verses 6-8. Yet, the driving issue of the passage is not marriage, but rather divorce. God’s people are not to be divorce-minded. This teaching applies to all relationships but certainly, and most pointedly, to married couples. Jesus explained what divorce is and why it occurs, so that His followers would not be divorce-minded.
What Divorce Is
It may come as a surprise to some that the concepts of divorce and forgiveness are very closely related. Two Greek words are used in the NT for divorce: apolyō (ἀπολύω)¹ and aphiēmi (ἀφίημι).². Ironically, both are sometimes translated as divorce and sometimes as forgiveness. They both involve sending something away. The difference involves the object that is being sent away. Forgiveness sends the offense away. Divorce sends the person away. Both words are used in Matthew 18:27, “And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.” In this context, the king sent away the debt his slave owed him, and in so doing forgave him.
Some basic observations about divorce need to be made. First, divorce is a verb, not a noun. Therefore, one cannot “get a divorce” as is commonly stated today. Second, divorce is active. It is the act of leaving, abandoning, or sending a spouse away (active action). Therefore, it is not being left or abandoned (passive action). Third, divorce is a releasing. It is a releasing of oneself of obligation, duty, and responsibility. Fourth, divorce is self-centered. The primary concern is not for the well-being of the other person but for the interest of self. Finally, divorce is an expression of unforgiveness. Couples need to grow in the area of sending offenses away, not each other. In other words, forgive each other; don’t divorce each other.
In Mark 10:2, the Pharisees are asking Jesus if the Law allows a husband to send his wife away. Matthew 19:3 includes the phrase “for any reason at all,” indicating an extreme lack of commitment to the marriage covenant. The contrast between God and fallen mankind could not be more stark. God sends away His list of wrongs; man holds on to them. God seeks a way to reconcile; man seeks a way to divorce. God is reconciliation-minded. Man is divorce-minded.
Case Study – Karen
Years ago, a supervisor was having a personnel problem with an employee whose name was Karen. She was a middle-aged woman with a harsh edge who had recently divorced her husband. When the supervisor asked her to forgive a colleague who had allegedly wronged her, and although the offense was minor, her response was, “I do not let things go!” Her inability to work well with people was a result of her inability to forgive. She was steeped in bitterness and the least little infraction would set her off. Her divorce-mindedness was evident to all but her.
Divorce-minded people leave a trail of broken relationships in their wake. Are you divorce-minded? Here are some questions to ask yourself. Are you quick to write a person off? Do you swiftly release yourself of the obligation to love others? When in a conflict, do you focus more on protecting yourself rather than serving the well-being of the other person? The bottom line is that divorce-minded people are proud. They refuse to humble themselves, overlook offenses, absorb the pain, and lean into the relationship. Unlike Christ, they are “too good” for these kinds of things.
Divorce-mindedness, along with the root cause that underpins it, is the greatest threat to the marriage union. Marriage is about oneness; divorce is about twoness. When two people decide to marry, they are choosing oneness over twoness. Such commitment is to show up in their daily thoughts, attitudes, and routines. To grow in oneness, they must be continually divorcing themselves from their divorce-mindedness. That is to say, they must be in the habit of sending away any and all thoughts that promote separation. Like God, His people are to be reconciliation-minded. The first challenge in loving and cherishing your spouse is overcoming divorce-mindedness and the selfishness that gives rise to it.
For a continuation of this teaching, see Jesus’ Warning Against Divorce-mindedness, Part 2: Why Divorce Occurs and Part 3: Implications for Followers of Christ.
For more on overcoming the challenges of reigning together as a couple, including references and sources, see Reigning Together: A Christ-Exalting Marriage, Chapter 3 & 4 and Appendices 3 & 4, available on Amazon.
Notes
1. ἀπολύω (apolyō) — 1. Release, set free, pardon: Matthew 18:27; 27:15–26; Luke 6:37; 13:12. — 2. Let go, send away, dismiss: Matthew 15:23, 32, 39; Mark 8:9; Acts 4:23. Divorce: Mark 10:2, 4, 11ff. See Gingrich, NT Greek Lexicon.
2. ἀφίημι (aphiēmi) — 1. Let go, send away: Mark 4:36; divorce: 1 Corinthians 7:11ff. Cancel, pardon: Matthew 18:27, 32; remit, forgive sins, etc.: Matthew 6:12, 14f; Mark 3:28; Luke 12:10; Romans 4:7; 1 John 1:9; 2:12. — 2. Leave: Matthew 4:11; Mark 13:34; Luke 10:30; abandon: Mark 14:50. See Gingrich, NT Greek Lexicon.