Guardrails are often put up in places where people are likely to drive their vehicle over a cliff or steep embankment. Those places where people have repeatedly gone over the edge are likely spots where guardrails are put up by highway authorities. Marital unfaithfulness is like a cliff that plunges marriages into ruin. Sadly, in our many years of ministry, my wife and I have observed that adultery can happen to anybody.
We have witnessed some of the most unlikely candidates succumbing to adultery, devastating countless families and ministries. Early on, these events shocked us, hurt us, and left us confused. Now, they hardly surprise us anymore. Not because we have grown calloused, but because we understand how sin progresses in people’s lives. I appreciate John MacArthur’s statement to the effect, “When a person falls into sin, he does not fall far.” The last step into sin typically comes after a pattern of downward steps toward it.
That sexual immorality occurs within marriages should come as no surprise to the student of the Bible. Sexual sin comes out of a love for self, not out of a love for God or the well-being of others. Such self-love is an integral part of the fallen human flesh. In light of this, consider Paul’s exhortation, “But sexual immorality and all impurity … must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints” (Ephesians 5:3 ESV). Christian husbands and wives must be humble enough to realize the weakness of their flesh and set up a lifestyle that minimizes opportunities for temptation.
Before we get to the guardrail specifics, I want to stress that adultery can happen to you. Consider the following cases, which are just a small sample of the many we have witnessed. Almost all of the following cases of adultery and extramarital lust occurred in a workplace context. In fact, according to Lori Hollander, 85% of all affairs occur in the workplace and what we have observed around us bears this out.
Case Study – Adultery in the Pastorate
Tony was a seminary-trained, expository-preaching pastor with a godly wife of 22 years and three wonderful children. Without explanation, Tony suddenly resigned from his church, moved his family across the country, and started a business. Months later he was exposed as being deeply embroiled in an adulterous affair with a married female colleague (with two small children) and soon after that he divorced his wife. He is now married to his adulteress and raising her very hurt and confused children. His first wife and children have been utterly devastated, as has the congregation he pastored.
Case Study – Adultery on a Business Trip
Scott and Melissa were professing believers. Melissa’s career took her across the country on a long business trip. During her work conference, she was unfaithful to her husband. During the long flight home, she was in agony, knowing that she would have to confess the adultery to her husband. She begged God to crash the aircraft. Death was preferable to what she faced. Sadly, Scott and Melissa are now divorced.
Case Study – Adultery at the Office
Professing Christians Tyler and Camila appeared to have a strong, satisfying marriage for several decades and had four great kids. Tyler, an ambitious and hard-working executive, built a successful marketing business with a talented staff. To build and maintain his client base, he worked long hours with his team. Getting the job done meant creative presentations, working lunches, business trips, nice hotels, and late nights wining and dining VIPs. Little by little, long day after long day, Tyler became attracted to a woman on his team. Once the affair started, it was hard to reel in. Loved ones, church friends and counselors urged him to do the right thing, but having completely lost interest in saving his marriage, Tyler filed for divorce. He married his employee a short time later.
Those who will not learn from the fallen are more likely to go over the cliff than those who do. The issue is a matter of heart devotion to God and His designs for marriage. It is also a matter of humility. People who learn from the fallen rearrange their lifestyle to make infidelity impossible, make uncontested fidelity a reality, bless their spouses, and image God in the process.
Let’s get back to the guardrails. Just as guardrails are essential for roads near sheer drop-offs, observable, unassailable boundaries of covenant faithfulness are essential components of wedded love. Without them, all other loving gestures and efforts are compromised. A breach of the marriage covenant resulting from sexual sin causes indescribable heartbreak for not only spouses, but for children, relatives, churches, and entire communities. And while it can happen to you, it does not have to.
Early in our marriage, Nancy and I established a pattern of marital fidelity that we later called faithfulness guardrails. We each chose to do ten things that would give one another security and confidence in the strength of our union. You and your spouse can do the same. Faithfulness guardrails are not to be considered as more vows but practical applications of your wedding vows. They are not compulsory, but gifts to each other. They need to be specific, measurable and realistic, such as, “I purpose never to be alone with a woman who is not my wife or a blood relative. If this unexpectedly happens, I will tell my wife about it.” One of Nancy’s guardrails is, “I will not text or email a man unless I copy a third party, such as his wife or my husband.” These guardrails might include allowing your spouse to have access to device passwords, having a sunlight policy on the family finances, how you handle office lunches or business trips, following old flames on social media, or what entertainment you consume. An example of a poor guardrail is, “I will love my wife every day.” This is a great thing to do, but it is too general and unmeasurable for this exercise.
Establishing faithfulness guidelines will keep your conduct inside safe boundaries and give your spouse security and assurance. With a shared lifestyle of settled faithfulness, you and your beloved are well on your way to reigning together.
For more on covenant faithfulness in marriage, including more true case studies, references and sources, see Chapter 4 of Reigning Together: A Christ-Exalting Marriage, available on Amazon.
